Stand up and lead

I've been given various leadership positions in my life: prefect, chapel steward, head of house (boarding school thing ) and more recently cell leader (church thing) but leadership has never been something that I've felt at ease with. I take it on because of a sense of duty and commitment, and I suppose with pride at having being asked to step up. But it's not something that has ever come naturally to me.

When I was given the "manager" title almost 3 years ago at work the transition was easy. Easy because I worked in a bubble with only myself to manage. I've since inherited a a very diverse team and discovered the challenges associated with being the new (and far less loved) replacement. To say that the 6 months since the transition have been rocky would be an understatement...how long is that Storming quadrent supposed to last again? Just when you think you've have successfully navigated the murky waters and moved into a somewhat norming state - boom, there it is...and you're right back to forming.

It's all very well to say stand up and lead, but how? I'm grappling with this question daily at the moment. Literally losing sleep over it. I don't enjoy conflict (who does) and I have no idea how to steer a group away from it, towards happier days. No text book can teach you this - this is the real class room that I've come to know.

What I have learned is that sometimes the mess up will be yours and you need to 'fess up and apologies (and I'm pretty good at that) but that there will also be times when your team messes up and you're the one held responsible for it, and again you need to take it and say sorry (I'm far less good at this one.) It's almost as if my pride doesn't want to allow me to be associated with misplaced blame...you see I've always been the goodie two-shoes who does my damdest not to mess up. Leaders are able to take the teams blame when it's needed and give up the credit to the team when it might not be wholely warranted.

I have learned that if there are 6 parties involved then there will be 12 versions of the truth. The version of the truth that each individual has and then the version of the truth that they are willing to admit to others. Prehaps even a third version of each persons truth depending on who has the listening ears.

What I've learnt is that I can't be everyone's friend...scrap that - I can't be anyone's friend. I can try to be kind, supportive, friendly but gone are the days are sharing personal stories or details of my life. I need to aim to be fair, consistent, solid, reliable. I'm failing (every day) at this because for so long my work was my life, my colleagues, my friends.

What lies ahead is sure to be a challenge but one I hope to look back on with gratitude (because I've grown and learnt from it) and relief (because its over!) but until then I keep calm and carry / struggle / learn on.